My Satellite Center
Many many...years ago, I used to read loads of self help books, the "How to......."kind of books.
They gave tips like imagine that you are loving, you are forgivng, from today, love every one, practice loving, blessing. Keep a note of when you failed to do so and even rope in loved ones to monitor you. Some books advised one to undertake a fast of a different kind, where you abstain from talking loudly, from getting angry, used only loving words and lots more. One had to keep a diary for this.I did all this with enthusiasm. I even succeeded initially for many weeks. I started feeling happier, more loving. Friends remarked that I was glowing with happiness.
But I could not continue for long. My mind was getting restless, I had started feeling pressurised and my control snapped.I felt like a rubber band stretched to its fullest. The moment it is let off, it goes back to its original position or eventually breaks if held without leaving. The low followed my earlier new found high. I realized that this fake it till you make it kind of thing was not working for me. I had however, tasted something, even if it was counterfeit. I had a teaser of the real. I realized that even my illusory happiness was effective when it worked. This happiness was created by will power, by mind. While it lasted, it looked like the mind had created a center of its own. But this center turned out to be a satellite center. This love, happiness was fleeting. may be because mind cannot stay in the same state for long . It craves for change. It wants to go up when it is down, down when it is up, left when it is right, right when it is left.
Then I learned that I had to be true to myself, no matter what. I had to acknowledge all my emotions without labeling them as good or bad. I am now more centered (real center) and steady though I have a long way to go. I am who I am and my love, compassion comes from who I am. Not the other way round of me practisng love and other virtues and becoming loving etc.
They gave tips like imagine that you are loving, you are forgivng, from today, love every one, practice loving, blessing. Keep a note of when you failed to do so and even rope in loved ones to monitor you. Some books advised one to undertake a fast of a different kind, where you abstain from talking loudly, from getting angry, used only loving words and lots more. One had to keep a diary for this.I did all this with enthusiasm. I even succeeded initially for many weeks. I started feeling happier, more loving. Friends remarked that I was glowing with happiness.
But I could not continue for long. My mind was getting restless, I had started feeling pressurised and my control snapped.I felt like a rubber band stretched to its fullest. The moment it is let off, it goes back to its original position or eventually breaks if held without leaving. The low followed my earlier new found high. I realized that this fake it till you make it kind of thing was not working for me. I had however, tasted something, even if it was counterfeit. I had a teaser of the real. I realized that even my illusory happiness was effective when it worked. This happiness was created by will power, by mind. While it lasted, it looked like the mind had created a center of its own. But this center turned out to be a satellite center. This love, happiness was fleeting. may be because mind cannot stay in the same state for long . It craves for change. It wants to go up when it is down, down when it is up, left when it is right, right when it is left.
Then I learned that I had to be true to myself, no matter what. I had to acknowledge all my emotions without labeling them as good or bad. I am now more centered (real center) and steady though I have a long way to go. I am who I am and my love, compassion comes from who I am. Not the other way round of me practisng love and other virtues and becoming loving etc.
No comments:
Post a Comment